Ebook Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, by Dan Kindlon, Michael Thompson, Teresa Barker
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Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, by Dan Kindlon, Michael Thompson, Teresa Barker
Ebook Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, by Dan Kindlon, Michael Thompson, Teresa Barker
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The stunning success of Reviving Ophelia, Mary Pipher's landmark book, showed a true and pressing need to address the emotional lives of girls. Now, finally, here is the book that answers our equally timely and critical need to understand our boys.
In Raising Cain, Dan Kindlon, Ph.D., and Michael Thompson, Ph.D., two of the country's leading child psychologists, share what they have learned in more than thirty-five years of combined experience working with boys and their families. They reveal a nation of boys who are hurting--sad, afraid, angry, and silent. Statistics point to an alarming number of young boys at high risk for suicide, alcohol and drug abuse, violence and loneliness. Kindlon and Thompson set out to answer this basic, crucial question: What do boys need that they're not getting? They illuminate the forces that threaten our boys, teaching them to believe that "cool" equals macho strength and stoicism. Cutting through outdated theories of "mother blame," "boy biology," and "testosterone," Kindlon and Thompson shed light on the destructive emotional training our boys receive--the emotional miseducation of boys.
Through moving case studies and cutting-edge research, Raising Cain paints a portrait of boys systematically steered away from their emotional lives by adults and the peer "culture of cruelty"--boys who receive little encouragement to develop qualities such as compassion, sensitivity, and warmth. The good news is that this doesn't have to happen. There is much we can do to prevent it.
Kindlon and Thompson make a compelling case that emotional literacy is the most valuable gift we can offer our sons, urging parents to recognize the price boys pay when we hold them to an impossible standard of manhood. They identify the social and emotional challenges that boys encounter in school and show how parents can help boys cultivate emotional awareness and empathy--giving them the vital connections and support they need to navigate the social pressures of youth.
Powerfully written and deeply felt, Raising Cain will forever change the way we see our sons and will transform the way we help them to become happy and fulfilled young men.
- Sales Rank: #96181 in Books
- Published on: 1999-04-06
- Released on: 1999-04-06
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 1.03" h x 6.34" w x 9.48" l,
- Binding: Hardcover
- 288 pages
Amazon.com Review
Reviving Ophelia, Mary Pipher's groundbreaking book, exposed the toxic environment faced by adolescent girls in our society. Now, from the same publisher, comes Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson, which does the same for adolescent boys. Boys suffer from a too-narrow definition of masculinity, the authors assert as they expose and discuss the relationship between vulnerability and developing sexuality, the "culture of cruelty" boys live in, the "tyranny of toughness," the disadvantages of being a boy in elementary school, how boys' emotional lives are squelched, and what we, as a society, can do about all this without turning "boys into girls." "Our premise is that boys will be better off if boys are better understood--and if they are encouraged to become more emotionally literate," the authors assert. As a tool for change, Kindlon and Thompsom present the well-developed "What Boys Need," seven points that reach far beyond the ordinary psychobabble checklist and slogan list. Kindlon (researcher and psychology professor at Harvard and practicing psychotherapist specializing in boys) and Thompson (child psychologist, workshop leader, and staff psychologist of an all-boys school) have created a chilling portrait of male adolescence in America. Through personal stories and theoretical discussion, this well-needed book plumbs the well of sadness, anger, and fear in America's teenage sons. --Ericka Lutz
From Publishers Weekly
A genuine enthusiasm for their subject shines through the pages of this enormously compelling book, as the authors share insights on boys' emotional development from birth through the college yearsAan increasingly high-profile topic in the wake of disheartening statistics about adolescent suicide and violence. In much the same way that Reviving Ophelia offered new models for raising girls, therapists Kindlon and Thompson argue that boys desperately need a new standard of "emotional literacy," showing how our culture's dominant masculine stereotypes shortchange boys and lead them toward emotional isolation. The authors turn a spotlight on the inner lives of boys, debunking preconceptions about gender, explaining the importance of nurturing communication skills and empathy in boys as well as girls, and steering boys toward a manhood of emotional attachment, not stoicism and solitude. They also challenge the ways in which, in their view, traditional school environments put boys at a disadvantage (why not hold off on reading instruction a year or two? they ask; why not five short recesses a day?). Such issues as drinking, drugs and the "culture of cruelty" among adolescents, in which "anything a boy says or does can and will be used against him," also meet with sensitive treatment. Separate chapters examine the relationships between fathers and sons and mothers and sons, and show how these can be protected and redefined. This thoughtful book is recommended for parents, teachers or anyone with a vested interest in raising happy, healthy, emotionally whole young men. Agent, Gail Ross of Lichtman, Trister, Singer and Ross.
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc.
Review
"Raising Cain gives a long-needed insight into that mysterious, magical land, the psyches of boys. Every parent, teacher--or anyone who wants boys to flourish--should read this book."
--DANIEL GOLEMAN
Author of Emotional Intelligence
"If you love a boy, were a boy, or care about boys and the men they become, read this book. Perfectly balancing cutting-edge science with engaging anecdotes and arrestingly useful insights, Kindlon and Thompson have written the book on boys. It is superb."
--EDWARD M. HALLOWELL
Author of Driven to Distraction and Worry
"Raising Cain is an important book and a fascinating read. Kindlon and Thompson are persuasive in their argument that it would be good for boys to become more 'emotionally literate,' to understand their feelings and those of others more. Parents and teachers will welcome the valuable suggestions for how to stay tuned in to a boy, while respecting his autonomy. Raising Cain gives us a much-needed glimpse into the inner lives of boys. I found it quite absorbing."
--ELEANOR MACCOBY, PH.D.
Emeritus Professor of Psychology
Stanford University
Author of The Psychology of Sex Differences and
The Two Sexes: Growing up Apart, Coming Together
Most helpful customer reviews
319 of 344 people found the following review helpful.
essential resource for mothers, caregivers and teachers
By audrey frances
While I think men and the parents of daughters would also benefit from reading this book, I want to emphasize that as a woman and the parent of sons this book has become an invaluable resource for me. The authors made many important points about the male experience that were new to me, or vague, and also gave practical ideas and examples for achieving goals or avoiding conceptual traps.
Kindlon and Thompson begin with the story of Cain, which is immediately disorienting. In a good way. I've always been puzzled about why God was so mad at Cain. I believe the fruit Cain offered was beautiful, so why was it of lesser value? I never thought God was fair to Cain, though admittedly Cain did react badly. So immediately you're in the state of mind to question perceptions about males as well as male perception (and reaction).
I didn't find any intellectual oneupsmanship over which gender's got it worse. Instead I saw: Boys are different, and here's what some of the differences are and why that's so, and how you can deal with that. I feel much better prepared for the many talks I hope I'll have with my children over the years. Important talks that I want to be transformative rather than reactionary or alienating.
This isn't just a book for the parents of adolescent boys, either. The authors make the point many times that giving boys an emotional education is imperative -- teaching them to recognize various emotions as physical cues and with emotional consequences. More importantly, the authors then cite cases from their clinical backgrounds and make down-to-earth suggestions about what to do to catch these problems and help our children. Young boys will benefit from your early introduction of these principles, including: giving a boy an emotional education and letting him have an inner life; recognizing that boys have a higher activity level (amen!) -- and accepting it; communicating with boys in a direct and respectful way, and enlisting them as problem solvers; using discipline that is instructive and fair rather than harsh and crushing; teaching a boy that there are many ways to be a man.
This is a plausible theory informed by clinical experience, but most of all it is a catalog of simple actions that may make a huge difference in our sons' lives. Andrew Vachss' book, Another Chance to Get It Right, says these things so eloquently. Every day the collective experience of the world is the sum of the choices each of us makes individually. We decide whether to be lazy parents and raise mediocre adults, or do we try to make a golden age, populated by mature, happy adults who have the knowledge and the will to make the world a better place in their turn? Every day you decide whether to spank or to reason, to pressure or to embrace, to train or to teach, to saddle them with our baggage or let them be. Let Vachss' book motivate you and this book instruct you. You and your children will be the better for it.
Well-written, insightful, transformative.
158 of 168 people found the following review helpful.
Grateful that I've discovered this book
By Keith Smith
A few months ago, I read Reviving Ophelia on the recommendation of my wife (a psychologist) and a friend (a social worker). I was frankly stunned at the insight I gained in reading it. I immediately ordered a copy of my own, and in the process discovered Raising Cain. And just like Reviving Ophelia, I read it completely through. As a man, with strong memories of my adolescence, the book resonates with me. The stories it presents of the adolescent indoctrination into male culture (the "Big Impossible" as it's referred to throughout the book) ring true in a personal way. I "knew" many of the boys that they're referring to and who tell their stories. These were my associates, my classmates, my friends. And the more I read, the more I recalled of that period. Kindlon and Thompson present their story in the same basic structure as Pipher in Reviving Ophelia; as a series of topics that can greatly influence a young man, using vignettes of particular children and their stories to develop understanding and insight. And again, these are powerful vehicles for communication; presenting stories of strength and power in the face of unbelievable adversity. Just as powerful, is the understanding it brings as to how and why a child who's been continually disenfranchised can lash out against others (I find I'm in particular agreement with the authors after having been on the minority end of discussions about school killings such as Colombine). The most important contribution of this book; however, is to those who don't (and can't) understand what male culture can do to shape a child. I'm continually at the receiving end (and mostly the participating end) of jokes about the inability of a man to express a real emotion or feeling. While most of it is joking, it's clear that for two close female friends (one an only child and one with the closest siblings 15 years their senior) and my spouse (with three brothers, the youngest 16 years older than she) there really isn't any understanding of what it's like growing up to be indoctrinated as a man. Hopefully this book can provide some measure of understanding to those who haven't experienced this first-hand. And what of those of us who have experienced it? Hopefully this book provides both some reminder of what it was like growing up in that environment as well as providing some hope that it's possible to grow beyond the expectations of that environment. For while strength is important, it must be tempered with compassion. And it's up to us to make sure it happens.
65 of 67 people found the following review helpful.
A good mind opener
By Emil B
I am a father of two boys and I came across this book by searching on Amazon for books that could help me improve my parenting skills. I love my boys and I consider my parenting as a full time job. I read other readers comments and I did some research before I purchased a couple of books, Raising Cain being one of them. My main motivation in buying these books is derived from the frustration that I experience when I know I fail to understand my son on some issues and also from my worry that I do not understand what is going on in a life of a young man in today's world.
Raising Cain opened my eyes in many aspects. It is written well and it makes no assumptions about the level of knowledge of the reader. It talks about the relationship between the boy and the father and between the boy and the mather, then it talks about general attitude of society on boys with short comparisons with the girls world. The books continues in discussing boys' psychology explaining how their inner world is built, what factors influence it most and consequences of their influence. It talks about drinking, drugs, sex and violence.
There are some very good positive points that I took with me and there are some points that are missing from the book despite the fact that they are quite important.
I can summarise the book by saying that it does a very good job explaining the need of talking to our sons and helping them to see their feelings as a way of diffusing tension, but it fails (in my view) in providing the tools that parent can use in implementing this concept.
The books showed clearly that the lack of fathers' positive involvment in sons education causes a lot of damage in the long term. The boys have an anger that is internalised over the years and it vents, for some, through violent and aggressive behavior. That is why most of the violent crimes are committed by males. I liked the chapter that talks about relationship between fathers and sons (I am a father and I was interested in that). However, the books stops there, by limitting this part to a description that is most of the time negative, without much practical outcome. Although the book observes the fact that the studies show how critical this interaction is, and that the education system lacks male teachers and that all this compounded with the huge impact of high rate of divorce that leaves sons without male models, puts the boys at an enormous disadvantage at the start of their adult life, the book offers only 20 pages dedicated to this subject (father-son relationship). Mothers get 37 pages and the rest is dedicated to drinking, drugs, violence and sex. The authors talk almost as much about masturbation as they talk about father-son relationship.
It is good that the authors talk about the big problems the boys have; I felt however they insist too much on the negatives by using stories, their personal recount of sessions they conducted as school psychologists (consultants). I was looking for some advice that I could use as a tool for parenting, but I haven't found much support from that point of view. For instance, the book has a chapter called Anger and Violence that dedicates 21 pages to describe various experiences and discuss some general observations on this topic. At the end, it concludes with Strategies and Circuit Breakers: Teaching Boys do Defuse Anger. That section spreads across one page (!) and it has no strategy. The last sentence says it all, and I have the impression that it is representative for the entire book in showing how advice is provided by the authors: "If you can get a boy to figure out what it is he's mad about, then he's in a position to begin to change the destructive pattern of responses in his life". It sounds logical, I agree with that, but I feel it would have been helpful to get more concrete advise about how you do it.
Overall, the book is very good, I recommend it to anyone who wants to understand their sons. It does a very good job in showing that their education is more than instilling discipline and it is very important to handle their pride with care. I followed this book with reading "The Good Son: Shaping the Moral Development of Our Boys and Young Men" by Michael Gurian. I found this book extremely useful and complementing Rasing Cain very well. I gave me what I was missing from the first book: more practical parenting advice and uptodate information from research in neurology and psychology. I would strongly recommend the purchase of both books. For me it was a very good investment.
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